Chapter 04.08
At the time, it concerned me that the wicked dreams would be my constant companion forever. This angst inside of me forced brittle spikes into every moment of my being because every single day was yet one more lie to myself, my parents, and the world. I left Henry because I could no longer tolerate the pain of living without my love, my William. As much as it pained me to walk away from my daughter, I knew there was no other choice but to see what could become of the other side of me. The true me.
There are a great many of you who will shame me for my decision. And while I deserve your hurtful words, there is nothing you can say to me that I did not already think of. Over and over, I have been cursed by the universe – to have been given one life and in a fierce streak of ungratefulness, thrown it away for another. I am fearful. I am wistful. I am unwise, cruel, and selfish. But I am also brave. The journey so far has been harsh. I deserve to feel love.
I am sorry. To my mother, my father, my sister, and my daughter, I am so sorry for this pain I am causing you. I would understand if you never spoke to me again, if my choices led you to kill me off in your own hearts. If you woke up tomorrow and I was dead to you, I would empathize. But you must know that until now, I was dead to myself.
Chapter 04.07
“Stand before the flames
as all I used to be burns;
stain yourself in ash.”
Tyler Knott Gregson
Chapter 04.06
The night I made the decision seems like a million years ago. Today it is happening. I don’t know what to expect on the other side. I am afraid she will never forgive me. Rachel will be crushed, and at this very moment, I realize that I am casually okay with that. It’s Lila that I’m worried about. I am her only mother, and she is but a small child.
That’s how I justify it. She will recover, and when she is an adult, she will barely remember this.
Part of me wants to begin planning her rescue.
The other part of me knows that I may be walking away from her forever.
Tears again. I am astonished that I have it within me to leave her. The rational part of me settles the feud: “First things first, Toni. You will cross that bridge when you come to it. And you will eventually come to it. Probably sooner than later.”
Chapter 04.05
“Before now, I wasn’t certain,” the drunken words whooshed over my lips. His body pressed mine against the bathroom wall. His presence corned me, and the pressure relieved me. I didn’t even attempt to control my tears.
“Toni,” he breathed into my ear. He, too, was drunk.
“I pined for this moment,” I cried.
“Are you certain, now?”
“Yes. I’m coming with you.”
Chapter 04.04
I spent three years trying to figure out how to do it. Part of that time, I wasn’t even sure if William would take me back once I left my husband. Eventually, though, he came back around some.
On his arm he carried Rachel, my best friend. I was not allowed to be unhappy for her. My dear, my darling Rachel… was trying like hell to have what she supposed I had in Henry. Yet, she confided in me many concerns; the most heartwarming of which was that she didn’t believe my William truly loved her.
Though intensely painful, I welcomed him back into our lives, even though his new role was so completely wrong. I greeted him with genuine warmth. Our greeting embraces were only sometimes a second too long, and the kisses he plopped on my cheeks were never more than what he would give to his aunt or mother. Our façade fooled everyone, myself included on occasion.
Henry and I continued our little parties until Friday evenings became a spectacular show. I would drown myself in booze waiting with eager dread to see if William would show. And on the times he did, I continued to satiate my sorrows with poison in the hopes that any missteps could be blamed on the alcohol rather than my betraying emotions.
Chapter 04.03
My hands shook when I wrote the note to my five year old daughter.
“My beloved Lila,
I did not mean for things to turn out this way. Please forgive me. You must know that I love you very much, but so does your father. I could not take you from him because right now he needs you very much. Please be good for him. I will see you one day again soon.
Love,
Your momma, Toni”
Chapter 04.02
I’m trying to love Henry. He is a good man.
He loves his daughter. He works hard to support us.
He gives me everything I need. At least that is what I say. He is good with people and children. He loves me dearly. That makes everything I’m feeling that much more horrible. Because while he’s stepping all over himself to please me, I am a rotten fish floating further away from him.
Chapter 04.01
Life without William isn’t really life at all. I wake up each morning, going through motions with rote commitment. I feed Lila. I wash her face. I dress her. I make her take a nap.
While she sleeps, or pretends to sleep, I attempt to sketch.
When that doesn’t help, I crack open my green diary. Instead of words, all I can produce is thick black scratch marks at the top of every page.
It’s not like I could really write anything of importance in here. He reads it. Or he might.
Lila wakes. I feed her again.
I take her to the back yard. She takes her doll, and plays quietly in the grass until she’s itchy. When she begins to fuss, I drag her inside and wipe down her legs with a cool cloth. Then I set her down on to the cool tile of our kitchen floor and prepare dinner while she bangs on pots with silverware.
The only relief from this monotony is our Friday parties. Though admittedly, they’re also entirely painful.
William doesn’t come around much anymore. This is not to say he never does, but the regularity has trickled down to once in the last several months. I suppose that is what works best for the two of us, anyway. Seeing him often might only lead to public tears; and those would be difficult to explain away.
Chapter 03.05
It was at our engagement party when I first set eyes upon the man whom I will love forever.
Shortly after Rachel and I arrived in Florida, I had begged Henry to throw a party so that I could meet his friends. I was sitting shyly at the table next to my fiance’; he had his hand wrapped fiercely around mine. As every new couple walked through the door, they would swoop by our table, Henry would introduce us, and they would leave to find their own table. But William was never one to be outshone by anyone, not even his best friend and bride-to-be.
We were in a great big sun room that was attached to a quiet restaurant, and it was after dark. Candles were lit at every table, and a gentle breeze fluttered the flames around, almost as though it was intent on making the whole thing seem quite magical.
When William arrived, an hour after he was expected, he walked in with larger than life gusto. Entire tables of folks rose to their feet to greet him.
Henry stood, too. His hand still wrapped around mine, he pulled me to my feet and led me through the crowds of mingling people.
“William! Hello!” shouted one man.
“Howdy, Hi!” glowed William, exuberant from the top of his head to the ends of his toes.
It was strange to see all of these people fawning over this one single, albeit lavishly handsome man. Yet, I, too, was sucked in almost instantly.
William opened his arms wide to my fiance’. “Henry! You lucky fellow! You really did have a bride waiting to come home to you!” he bellowed as he reached to wrap his arms around my Henry.
Then he turned to me.
“And this? Who is this gorgeous dame?” He play-shoved Joseph away and dropped to his knees before me, grabbing at my hands. I giggled at the show Henry’s friend was presenting for me. William blinked dramatically, still holding my wrists and stuttered, “Will, will, will,” and gasped, making a large gesture with his arms, grappling for his hat, “Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry!” He took his hat from his head, giving me back one of her wrists and clutched the hat to his chest. “Will you marry me?” William spat out the punctuated words with mock pleading in his face.
“Sorry old chap,” Henry said as he wrapped his arm around me, “this fine woman has been spoken for.”
Chapter 03.04
“I’m trying to be happy, William.”
“You’re going about it the wrong way.”
“And how would you propose I go about being happy?”
“By following your heart.”
“I thought that’s what I was doing with you.”
“Maybe a bit. But you are so young still. How could you possibly know what you want already?”
“Don’t you know?” I asked.
“No,” he admitted. “Do you think that messing around with my best friend’s wife was on my life program? Certainly I had no intentions of going this far.”
I fell silent. I was crushed by his words.
“Look, I realize this isn’t ideal for us, but this is what it is. Why can’t we just play it out? See where it takes us?” I could hear the pleading in my voice, and I didn’t like it. Not one bit.
“Come away with me? Leave Lila here with her father. We can start a new life together, just us.”
“William, I can’t…” I hated myself for saying it.
“We’re done, Toni,” he said with a sigh.
“What? No!”
“Yeah. I can’t do this anymore.”
Lovers Two 