The night I made the decision seems like a million years ago. Today it is happening. I don’t know what to expect on the other side. I am afraid she will never forgive me. Rachel will be crushed, and at this very moment, I realize that I am casually okay with that. It’s Lila that I’m worried about. I am her only mother, and she is but a small child.
That’s how I justify it. She will recover, and when she is an adult, she will barely remember this.
Part of me wants to begin planning her rescue.
The other part of me knows that I may be walking away from her forever.
Tears again. I am astonished that I have it within me to leave her. The rational part of me settles the feud: “First things first, Toni. You will cross that bridge when you come to it. And you will eventually come to it. Probably sooner than later.”