Chapter 04.08

At the time, it concerned me that the wicked dreams would be my constant companion forever.  This angst inside of me forced brittle spikes into every moment of my being because every single day was yet one more lie to myself, my parents, and the world.  I left Henry because I could no longer tolerate the pain of living without my love, my William.  As much as it pained me to walk away from my daughter, I knew there was no other choice but to see what could become of the other side of me.  The true me.

There are a great many of you who will shame me for my decision.  And while I deserve your hurtful words, there is nothing you can say to me that I did not already think of.   Over and over, I have been cursed by the universe – to have been given one life and in a fierce streak of ungratefulness, thrown it away for another.  I am fearful.  I am wistful.  I am unwise, cruel, and selfish.  But I am also brave.  The journey so far has been harsh.  I deserve to feel love.

I am sorry.  To my mother, my father, my sister, and my daughter, I am so sorry for this pain I am causing you.  I would understand if you never spoke to me again, if my choices led you to kill me off in your own hearts.  If you woke up tomorrow and I was dead to you, I would empathize.  But you must know that until now, I was dead to myself.